I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
