it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
