No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
im six kinds of drunk right now
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
