What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
