i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
