Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have fence marks all over my body
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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