I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
