Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize