Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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