I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
