can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if only i could text you this smell
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
