i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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