Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My cat gives me a boner
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
