The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
