My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Operation Purity has been aborted
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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