Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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