You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
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Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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