I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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