my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
