i wish starbucks made bloody marys
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm at about main and main street
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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