I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
