I want you more than these girls want KFC
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
