i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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