I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
