When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
