Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
