I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
