one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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