Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
