Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
