Only a mothe r could love this liver
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
