shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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