3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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