i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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