Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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