Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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