3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
