Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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