You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
