i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
