I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
