i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
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dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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