Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
