hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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