The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
