By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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