i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
im holly from the hills drunk
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
