i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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