i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
