At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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