Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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