i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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