why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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