i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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