I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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